Dazed like a bomb about to explode, yet forgetting what my mission is, stranded in between two worlds, weak in both, as I try to split my energy, but killing it for trying…
I’m feeling the pressure of an outward responsibility, but feeling incongruent within my inner world, a conflict destroying my soul, as I give my power away, and try to act ok, I’m dying and screaming and coming undone at the seams, the fabric of my being,- being torn away, but fragmented pieces trying for dear life to hold on, when the tide starts to calm, another wave takes its place, gasping for just a single breath, a chance to live my own life on my terms – haunted by a criticised past that shut me down as a child, only to perpetuate a life long struggle of worthlessness, pinned to the ground in an endless attempt to break free from chains pulling at me as I try to rise… But the battle is making me tired, as now I have to force a smile..
Alert but asleep, awake yet dreaming, I ponder the invisible, but unable to truly read it…
Struggling with anger, pelted up over years, so full and used to repressing it- it’s like a boil that just wants to get out, it’s making me sick to my very cells…
I need a higher purpose, a bigger plan for my life, without a passionate pursuit, I may as well lay down and die, for what is life otherwise?
What did I expect of life?
This much I know… that I am not living that which I dreamed, but fear of losing everything I do have, keeps me back from new experiences that could enhance my life – or is it simply mis-managed balance or values?
Perhaps an overhaul of foundation would be a good key to start a new process of life, but to renew an inner essence? The flame that once burned wildly? Passionately?
Where thou art did it go?
It is there, that I know, but I need a catalyst to bring back the energy surge – and make my dynamic being come back to life….
(January 2016)