I think the irrational fantasy is fading. Reality is setting in – in a good, wise and practical way.
The rose coloured glasses would surely only lead me down a rabbit hole of false hope, and that would lead to major disappointment, and most likely despair and regret at my foolish blindness.
The experience was needed, I would say it was necessary for my personal growth, and a catalyst towards moving forwards in a more beneficial direction. It was like having a mirror of authenticity placed in front of me to reflect the area’s that I’m not being true to myself in life. It was an interesting and unexpected way of being shown that, and finally taking notice enough for it to have an effect on me.
I’m letting him go. None of this was actually about him, he was just the one the universe used to get my attention. I mean, there wasn’t really anybody else that I can think of who would have had that same effect on me, with me being so comfortable like that.
Having that sense of familiarity and what felt like an emotional connection, to me at least, is really only how that was going to happen.
I was delirious for days after, and that was intermingled with despair, insecurity and sadness for the following couple of weeks. Very much like a pendulum, swinging high and low.
I understand that this whole situation is about me and where I need to grow and mature appropriately, into an established, intelligent, capable woman, who can stand on my own with empowerment and strength.
I needed this experience, to remind me what I’ve been denying myself.
I needed it to shine a spotlight onto my weaknesses, the excuses I’ve been using for so long now, to do away with them and stand up on my own two feet, committed to taking responsibility for my life, and to stop hiding in the shadows, playing small and being a victim of life.
I saw that it was neither right nor wrong, it was not on that spectrum, but it was about “what did/do I want?”
The choice was mine to make, and neither choice was right or wrong, or if so, only right or wrong for me. And not wrong in the sense of bad or sinful, but more about not following my authentic path in life. So what may have been totally right/good for me, may have been totally wrong/bad for someone else.
There is no fundamental rule, value, standard, or ethic external to my own intrinsic principles, or reasoning/intuition that I have any need to or any obligation to follow.
To be truly free and in alignment with my soul/intuition, it’s vital that I live according to my own law, my own intuition, and not any external or man made rules, social norms or expectations deemed appropriate by society, culture, or even influencers. I am, and must be the authority for my life and my choices. What is right or good for somebody else may not be what’s right or good for me, and vice versa.
True personal development, exploration, insight and self discovery cannot truly happen while living in the confines of someone or something else’s system, without the freedom, permission, or right to question, challenge, debate, defy, disagree with, or stand against.
Freedom in this life is a choice. With the exception of do no harm, which isn’t always possible either, but I believe living with that principle or value as intentionally as possible while striving to live in alignment with it, apart from that, I don’t feel that there is much else that we don’t have the right to have personal choice over.
We have the right over our bodies, our beliefs, faith, sexuality, minds, and choices. No one has the right to call us wrong or bad. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and if we’re willing to listen for the sake of being teachable and flexible where beneficial, discerning for ourselves, open to new perspectives and willing to see where we might be wrong, or at least misguided or blindsided, – but always with the full understanding and knowledge that we can have a different opinion, disagree completely, or even ignore/shutdown the conversation or opinion of others if it be in our best interest or necessary to keep us safe, then we are always making ourselves available to learn and grow.
Sometimes insight and a stretching of our scope of understanding, perceiving a multi-dimensional perspective in order to make a well informed, rational decision – that may align with our intuition, or gut instinct where applicable, will come to us in a form that isn’t a usual, familiar or neat and tidy experience, deemed ok, acceptable, or worthy/ethical by society, but we must remember, that society itself is made up of individual human beings – each with their own opinions, beliefs, ideas on what they think/feel is right/wrong, good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable etc, and therefore society itself is an opinion that we don’t have to agree with. Just because it may be wide spread, familiar, ingrained as truth or fact, be perceived as safe or honest or ethical, doesn’t mean that each of us need to feel obligated to follow it too or align our beliefs with it. This is being a follower, not a leader of our own life, our own world.
No matter how influential someone may be in your life, whether you know them personally or not, it does not mean they have the right to be your authority.
They may have a lot of wisdom, common sense, intelligence, power, or whatever, and perhaps they are a fantastic influence to you and others, but do not see them as flawless. You may agree with them quite often, you may find yourself following them, or being influenced by them, but at any point, you can disagree with them.
There might be the occasional time and thing they do that doesn’t resonate with you. Listen to that gut instinct. They are not perfect, flawless and all knowing/all powerful. They are flawed human beings just like you and I, and still ultimately see the world through their own lense, which is not wrong, but they are not your lenses, and if you see or think things differently, then you are as valid as they are in having your own opinion and view of seeing.
It’s always ok to question, but don’t let doubt in your own reasoning and opinions make you feel like you must be wrong if you feel/think differently than even someone very influential. Just because they are influential/popular/well known and generally credible and taken seriously by others doesn’t make them right all the time, and even more importantly, it does not make you wrong. You have just as much right to any opinion, suggestion, idea, perspective, belief, as they do.
Be your own authority, your own parent, your own wisest teacher and counsellor, your own best friend, your own lover, your own judge, your own cheer squad, your own guidance, your own influencer. Lead yourself. Be yourself. Believe in yourself.
Rach Vivienne